So it is always stated "No news is good news," or people seem to mutter quite often "It is better just not knowing"... But is this the full-blown desirable truth?? All this and more confusion plagued my conscience at my BYC (Broadway Youth Center) volunteer job. The awkward day seemed too pleasant to be true. For weeks I had wondered why I would get packed with all results and the next all tests. Not tonight... I was overloaded with 5 tests and 3 results to take care of. I am always optimistic while dealing with a diverse group of youth whether they be gay, straight, queer, homeless, abused, raped...Whatever walks in that door I am open to assist them to the best of my abilities. However, tonight I could not be prepared enough.
My last client of the night walked in the reception room and I received the normal phone call in my testing office stating that I had a client. I went towards reception to pick up my clients card in order to look up the results before they entered, but the client stood up and proceeded to follow me towards the testing room. While biting my tongue, I figured that it was not necessary to ask the client to wait in reception until I was ready for them. I figured that it would be a negative-HIV result like the majority of clients. I searched through the Pre-test HIV folder filing cabinet and finally my eye crossed what I was looking for. I flipped through the records and my peripheral vision caught a quick glimpse of the results sheet. I was unexpectedly dumbfounded after seeing: "HIV-1 ANTIBODIES FOUND: REACTIVE" (In large, bold asterisked characters). I continued to act calm and collected while I asked how the client was feeling and if they were ready to receive their result, as I do with everyone else...
The next instant I jumped in my seat with a yelping voice weeping desperately "I knew it! F***! Help me! I'm going to die!" The client dodged towards me and laid their head in my crotch while their helpless arms wrapped around me with great force. Their eyes filled and spilled over with liquid anguish. I was speechless and hugged them back saying anything to cool the client down.
***
This event sucked me into one of those pensive moods of mine of wondering "Is better just not knowing?!" I feel as if today's youth are lost in drugs, clubs, sleeping around and not the future and health. The notion that adolescence makes them immortal seems to be quite popular, as if they all wear an invinsible cloak (or better yet, condom) until age 25. Too bad that HIV transmission occurs the most between ages 16 and 25! Getting tested every three months becomes habitual but almost pointless. Is there truly a reason for these continual appointments? Now they know if they have a sexually transmitted infection or disease, but with something like HIV, it is already too late. Then I ponder the thought, "Is an approximate hour of ecstasy worth an uncertained, unhealthy future? Is it really so much more sensual and intense without a thin protective layer of latex between a healthy and dreaded future to put your life on the line? Well it sure seems to be the popular path of adventure throughout today's recent generations, while a test counselor like myself thinks: "Am I truly making a difference in a world of a lost future?"
My last client of the night walked in the reception room and I received the normal phone call in my testing office stating that I had a client. I went towards reception to pick up my clients card in order to look up the results before they entered, but the client stood up and proceeded to follow me towards the testing room. While biting my tongue, I figured that it was not necessary to ask the client to wait in reception until I was ready for them. I figured that it would be a negative-HIV result like the majority of clients. I searched through the Pre-test HIV folder filing cabinet and finally my eye crossed what I was looking for. I flipped through the records and my peripheral vision caught a quick glimpse of the results sheet. I was unexpectedly dumbfounded after seeing: "HIV-1 ANTIBODIES FOUND: REACTIVE" (In large, bold asterisked characters). I continued to act calm and collected while I asked how the client was feeling and if they were ready to receive their result, as I do with everyone else...
The next instant I jumped in my seat with a yelping voice weeping desperately "I knew it! F***! Help me! I'm going to die!" The client dodged towards me and laid their head in my crotch while their helpless arms wrapped around me with great force. Their eyes filled and spilled over with liquid anguish. I was speechless and hugged them back saying anything to cool the client down.
***
This event sucked me into one of those pensive moods of mine of wondering "Is better just not knowing?!" I feel as if today's youth are lost in drugs, clubs, sleeping around and not the future and health. The notion that adolescence makes them immortal seems to be quite popular, as if they all wear an invinsible cloak (or better yet, condom) until age 25. Too bad that HIV transmission occurs the most between ages 16 and 25! Getting tested every three months becomes habitual but almost pointless. Is there truly a reason for these continual appointments? Now they know if they have a sexually transmitted infection or disease, but with something like HIV, it is already too late. Then I ponder the thought, "Is an approximate hour of ecstasy worth an uncertained, unhealthy future? Is it really so much more sensual and intense without a thin protective layer of latex between a healthy and dreaded future to put your life on the line? Well it sure seems to be the popular path of adventure throughout today's recent generations, while a test counselor like myself thinks: "Am I truly making a difference in a world of a lost future?"
1 comment:
HIV testing is not a preventative measure for the one individual its a reaction to wondering that you may have caught something like you said and for guys to come in there like its a routine truly saddens me. While it won’t save the positive it may save others if he takes the appropriate actions in the future. I do think you are a great counselor because you hold no judgments, you are sweet, and have that great smile so it helps people through sometimes uncomfortable questions and even more uncomfortable results. Are you providing a good service, yes, are you preventing the spread of HIV, it depends if those boys are going to continue doing what they are doing and are they going to continue visiting BYC like its a revolving door, possibly. These sort of things usually have to hit close to home and sadly maybe the results given to that boy will hit a few people close to home and make them think next time they want a slightly better feeling and 20 minutes of sex that can change their life forever. For me, no thanks, Ill wait for the next cute boy who wants to be safe, like you.
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